I thought if I didn't think about it, it won't be as difficult to deal with.. I've researched the procedure.. I know its not as near as invasive as what papa's gone through before.. what we've gone through before with him... I remember when he had his bypass, how we were brought in the room to meet him before they took him to operate... He was drowsy because of the anesthesia, still smiling though.. and I hugged him and tears started flowing out of my eyes.. I didnt have to say anything more ..he knew I cared.. and he just held me there in his arms.. like he used to when I was a kid.....
He reminded me I have to take him to the hospital this morning..I just nodded... We hadnt really spoken about today until now..there's no plan........ And now when I do take him in a few, I want to tell him to take care of himself and call me if he needs anything..I want to give him a hug and tell him he's going to be fine and we're going to be fine.. I want to tell him to not worry, even though Im freaking out myself as the time gets close....... Realistically all I would be able to manage is a quick Allah Hafiz.... It is woefully apparent how hopeless and insufficient I am. I hope Hammad is a better son than I have been of a daughter, more stronger. More assertive. More expressive.
....if You gave me a little speck of your special courage, a little sign of confidence.... I would have everything...
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