Stupid headache's been driving me crazy..I know I have migraines every once in a while but I've never had a headache that's stayed for this long.. The back of my neck and head feels all...tightened.... The geneticist in the family says its stress related... kher unko tau waise hi lagta hai something's the matter just because I've kept distanced......
I don't know if I do it purposely..if I like keeping to myself...I realise I cut off at times though..I've discussed this with Gaynor too and I remember feeling...not understood o.0...or maybe that was because she hardly said alot anyway..mostly it was just "..and how do you feel about that?" lol ....and now Im reminded why I brought it up in the sessions that we had... it was because with everything going on, I was realizing alot..more so in terms of all my relationships...and I brought it up because I was missing my grandparents.
I remember posting this postsecret card once.. and yea..that sums it up pretty much.............. its been 2 years since I visited my grandparents..Um before we left, I was looking forward to spending time with them y'know...I remembered visiting them when we used to live in Lahore and we used to be excited then too...I remembered the long muddy road that led to our house. Feilds of sarson. The earthy smell. Sleeping under the stars in the sehan on charpai..and just gazing the sky for a looong time... and when we got there, I didn't even stay there for 2 days. It sucks because I really wanted to spend time with them and they did too, just as much if not more. I wanted to take care of them for the little time we were there..for the little time that I could...
Do you know why it haunts me more?... because Im ashamed I couldnt ......and because of that whenever they're calling Pakistan, I disappear off the scene because I can't talk to them.... It haunts me because they're just so nice ..and I do nothing for them..
Ever since chachi passed away, my 80+ dadi ma is having to look after 4 kids all under the age of where they can actually take care of themselves... She, who has been praying 5 times a day plus tahajjud ever since I've known her, thinks little of herself because now shes not able to..Yet everyday on the phone, her prayers for us, for them are so sincere...yes her voice trembles at times but can you really blame her?................ Im told both dadi ma and dada abu are getting cataracts in thier eyes...they don't express they're in any sort of trouble though..they're content..aiming to do as much as they can for the kids..when their own bodies are giving up...they don't complain at all.... and here I am...still avoiding them. I wish I could tell them how much I respect them..how much I care about them......... I hope I have another chance before its too late..I don't know what I'd do with the guilt.............. If it wasn't for him, I know I would've lost it long ago......He keeps me from straying and Im ridiculously grateful for that.
..and yea...there I have deviated from what I wanted to say initially o.0 ..and deviated big time because this looks like an essay...-sigh-........kher maybe I'll continue later....
Hey maybe the headache is due to dehydration? do you drink enough water?....coke and ribena doesnt count...and you shouldn't beat yourself up for not talking enough to your grandparents....it's still not too late, remember them in your duas and say salaam to them when they call...and start by a little bit...and also, say what I told you to say to your dad..
ReplyDeleteYes..waterrr..remind me =/..
ReplyDeleteI'll talk to them soon..-sigh- and my dad..yeah that too...sooner, i promise.