Fear itself..

For the longest time I thought it was loneliness people feared the most..that I feared the most. Being alone, living alone, dying alone. I'm realising that may not even be entirely true. I know sometimes you can be in a crowd and still be alone, or have people who love you and still be alone..in that case it's the feeling of lacking that someone you need the most to feel like you're not alone. Other times it could be, really, being alone..by yourself thats lonely.

But really..there's..there's this other feeling..this other fear, that if not more but is just as scary..as numbing..it's that of loss. Losing someone. I remember when my nani ma passed away, I must've been around 7/8..and it was a shock then too, probably even more because I had never seen my mum cry and grieve like that, I had never seen her broken like that..and that to me was more shocking than the loss of a life......... Its just, when you're young, you don't realise the importance when someone leaves. It's when you're old enough to understand that you realise......and it's when Allah miyan reminds you that we all belong to Him.

I have spoken of death before..I don't think you have to experience it to realise how for those who're grieving it can ruin everything while the rest of the world carries on with thier lives. I remember last October, there were quiet a few deaths around here..one funeral after another.......I remember talking to Adia and she said "I am so scared..I told Naseer to love me always" ....I remember because that scared me even more. Thankfully not death, but I have experienced loss...the same person a few times....Some may say it makes you stronger, but it doesn't. Losing someone and carrying on does not make you stronger..with them you lose a piece of yourself too. That one piece can be the whole essence of your being. It doesn't make you stronger.

That's scary. I don't know why it's freaking me out like this out of no where...maybe it's because of papa... or because mama's going.. or because I am not getting a chance to talk with Aqib....I need him so much.......... I never had this fear before but I can't stop thinking all sorts... what if one day he wakes up and thinks this whole long distance is too much for him.... what am I going to do then?..

..I just want to hold everyone I love really close and never let them go..