Of firsts...

It's Fathers Day today - our first one without Papa.... Elaine said there are going to be a lot of "firsts" this year and that we ought to know because all that's left then is acceptance. She's right... but having it said out or even knowing yourself in your heart doesn't make it magically happen. Acceptance is hard. It'll come when it'll come....

For now I just wanted to say I miss wishing Papa. We didn't do a lot on Fathers Day but there was always a  card and a hug.. Instead of us wishing Papa and finding the right words to say to him, he'd overwhelm us with duas and wishes. And when Papa hugged, it was the best thing ever. You could tell he was happy, like he was so proud to have you in his arms..

................A few days after when I was getting all Papa's medicines together to take to the pharmacy, I found something at the bottom of the drawer. It was neatly placed in a polypocket so I took it out to have a look...

I guess its from the time when Papa was an ASI at Islamabad Airport.. I was reading it and it welled me up, not because I was sad. I was so proud. What's funny is that Papa had so many stories to tell from his days in ASF - I remember once he was telling this one story to me and Hammad and it got really late at night because we kept asking for more. We were laughing and just having a good time. Papa was a good storyteller too. Anyway, what's funny is that he never once mentioned this to us - not even when there was a certificate to show for it too. What's more amazing is the number of stories we've heard from unexpected people of his courage and inspiration and sheer generosity after he's been gone. Stories that he kept from us because hey that's the kind of man he was. 

It sucks that I never got to tell him how proud I was of him. Regardless of the certificates, regardless of the many stories I've heard. 

..Thank you, Papa ..for the lessons that you continue to give us even when you're not here yourself.. I miss you. We all do.