Breakdown..

Y'kno, I thought it was one of those weeks..or a couple... where everything annoying is in your face and every little inconsideration is enough to push you over the edge. And you know, I would have happily blocked everyone out except you.. and only you and just you. And I got mad because you weren't around..and I couldn't understand what it was that you couldn't put on hold for half an hour..for a minute...for one little text message..

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She tells me it sounds like clinical depression..that "meds will help"... She doesn't even know half the story, yet. I have never believed in suicide, its a cowards way out. Sure I have had moments where I have hated life and wanted it to end, but never actually suicide. I still don't feel exactly suicidal.. but what I do feel, I have never experienced before.. the sheer urge... is too great and too.. sickening. 

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You know I feel it more now, right? The absence? The loneliness? ...You must know.

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Ah..the realization, don't I live such a bipolar life? Phases of love and ecstasy like nothing else, the wholesomeness, the content, the belief of owning the world, itself. And then nightmares and sleeplessness...anxiety, hollowness.. like someone has ripped my heart out of my chest and squished it in their fist so what remains is a struggled breath and just...numbness.

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Remember I said I would just like that...... maybe you wouldn't heh -shrug-

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Dard aisa key har rug mein hai mehshar burpa

aur sukoon aisa key marr janay ko jee chahta hai