Of gaping void and stuff...

Never sits in well, telling someone Papa's not here anymore.. and I have had to, on two different occasions now. People who had no idea, but then, neither did we............ They're just minding their business, wanting to meet him for advice or reference or a promise made and then you tell them and it startles them but also reminds you of the loss like it was all fresh. Kinda like digging in an open wound.

I seldom talk about Papa unless I have to for some pragmatic reason.. His memory is carried within me, but I can't share it.. I can't bring myself to share........... Maybe I just don't know how to. I find myself unable to finish a sentence in the middle of a conversation just because I have said something I heard Papa say or a conversation he had with me.... Huge lump in the throat to save myself from tearing up in front of Maa..or anyone really...

Jamila apa says I ought to think about what Papa would decide when making a decision or choice. To some extent, that would be the obvious thing to do....... I don't try to make the decisions he would have made though, consciously or unconsciously, I still try to make up my own mind..... But I seek for his approval.. And that lack of validation or his more-than-enough-khabardaar-stare is probably one of the most grievous of losses...

People die. It's everyone's ultimate truth. They say losing your loved ones is Gods' test of patience... and God is The Almighty. The All knowing. He has tested his most loved ones, the Prophets, in all kinds of ways.. who, then, am I to even contemplate or question Him?............ I am not, questioning. I don't question.

I just miss my dad a lot... and its taking a long time to accept that a whole person that once existed, with his larger than life persona, is all of a sudden no more. A whole lifetime gone.

We sold Papa's pajero last month, nobody said anything even though everyone was thinking the same thing, including Maa. She didn't try to hide it, but comforted us by saying; that car wasn't his as much as we are... She said we are his legacy. I hope Allah miyan always keeps Maa that strong..because I don't know how long before.. I.... -shrug-...