On daydreaming..

In Season 8 of Friends; where Rachel and Ross are having a baby together and Ross finds out Rachel's going on a date, he has a little freak-out session, in typical Ross fashion. The scene that follows has Ross sharing a dream with Joey he has always had about his family. He says; he has a picture where hes in bed on a Sunday morning with his wife and their kid jumps in and they all read the paper together ..and that with Rachel dating new guys, it all seems distant. Joey tells him that maybe he needs to have a new picture......

Daydreaming is fun, right?.. I had a few good'uns of my own.. Little snippets of how I imagined my future would be, with all the people I love...... and presently non-existent but possible babies.. y'know?.. Many of those were post-marriage thoughts I mean.. about him, and love and values and playing happy families and what not. I know how much it goes against my now hard-nosed-no-nonsense-front that I've got going on.... but its true. Being a woman too, I mean, aren't we like naturally maternal and stuff?...

I was just thinking, its quite astonishing how those dreams change when you change perspectives. Lives and dreams end everyday, right? ..Everyday is pretty much a disaster for someone and a miracle for someone else. 

All of a sudden, I am now in a parenting position, without any warning. And my thoughts reflect that, mostly. No active playing happy families anymore, no feelings of floating in air itself just thinking about great possibilities.......... I mean, of course, subconsciously the heart wants what the heart wants. I don't think you can switch off all your perfectly envisioned scenarios and I don't know fantasies(?) when you wake up one day. But you put your dreams on a side track, maybe somewhere on the back right corner so its all in your blind-spot and you start aspiring for your young'uns. Not saying that as an elder sister, I didn't wish them well or wasn't responsible enough for their turn out ... but this is different. Maybe I feel answerable? 

... And so, I plan for their future. Carefully mastered plans, taking care of all their needs. But just plans for now. And worries. Lots of worries. There's nervousness because I can't fill Papa's shoes and masking that nervousness with confidence just.... really tests my strength.

There is a new picture.. a collage even, of lots of various pictures thrown in the mix. Does not change the special-ness of the original picture, neither does it replace it. Makes the original picture more memorable, if anything. Sticks it in your face with a "ha!" and all you can do is smile at the simplicity that life once had.