khatam shud

He says he's broken and seeing me will crush him and that he fought for a future with me, and then scratches it all by saying he can shrug it off because nothing ever happened between us; that I was a mistake he doesn't want to repeat...

I don't think he realises himself how contradictory that sounds....... -shrug- ..meh. Here I am, spending all this money when he doesn't even want to see my face after all this time..

He thinks I have a way of popping up; but he fails to see how hard I am trying and trying and trying to let go. How hard I have been trying. I wish it was anger or hatred or something you know so I could name it? I am trying so hard, but you see I am a bad combination of weak and strong, ego and emotion, anger and love; so all my efforts go futile by the next wave of nostalgia...

Everyone tells me I deserve better, someone who actually wants me. And I get it, that it's not possible..I don't want him, I don't want to be his... He doesn't want me. But what do I do with that idea of him, that idea I held on to so desperately, because losing it was my worst fear. And then I did, and it made me understand I need to go on, but it has also broken me in a way that I don't know how to fix. I find this hard to explain, this conundrum of  not wanting him, and yet not being able to explain myself in a way that will have nothing to do with him.

He sees how sometimes my strength crumbles, and the resolve floats away; but he doesn't see how hard I wished he had been real. I don't want to reach out to him but I can't help think the more selfless I got, the more selfish he became.... why did it have to be like that? .........I only asked for one thing..

So, uh? ..let's see..the number-of-options-I-have-got-left-wise, that leaves me with braving a poised, composed face making sure it doesn't betray any sign of what's going on in my head when really I feel like a train wreck. It leaves me with sucking up being in Houston and praying hard it doesn't take me ages to live it down...... I always have to do things the harder way, right? 

It's okay.. I'll be fine. I don't need to be saved anymore and as it turns out, he isn't mine to save either.....