psycho r' us

I can't sleep and I can't cry so I am going to ramble, maybe take it off later.. need to get it off my chest right now..

Itni larai, itni larai... uff. Tauba. 

I didn't even think he had it in him; I didn't even think I had it in me......... The more I think about everything that was said, the more I realise its because both of us care too much to not be misunderstood by each other. At least that's why I carried on, answering back. I don't think it mattered though, because he still ended up calling me names clearly indicative of what he thinks of me - manipulative, low life, uncivilized, a disappointment, irrational, impatient and reckless decision maker.

He says I assume, but assumes himself his letters didn't mean much to me that's why i left them.... How, I mean, how could he even think that? ...You know how in wallets you have a little clear space for a picture of your loved one(s)? My Dad had one of my mum. Maa's got one of me and papa, bhaijaan has a family portrait in his wallet. I have the little strip that you peel off of the envelope when you first open it. That's what I've had in there since 2010 when I first got the letters......... Quick to blame lekin yeh nai yaad k khudi kya kaha tha mujhe; that he doesn't think we had anything between us because we weren't "fucking or dating" okay? And nothing warrants a closure. His words, not mine.

He forgets that I begged and pleaded him to re-think his decision about not seeing me, one last time.... and we know begging in a torturous long winded process, right? So I guess when you give in and stop asking anymore, that's when you turn manipulative. So accepting defeat means you're manipulative. Thanks bub.

I remember talking to him about Adia and her husband, how her husband was cold towards her even though she was trying.. and Aqib said to me "Ego ka koi masla nahi hota. One person always has to bow. To make things right. Sometimes the man bows, sometimes the woman bows -  it evens it out this way and arguments don't drag on for days". I thought he was so mature, I remember thinking we will never have a fight like Adia and her husband because Aqib thought exactly like Papa ...and my parents relationship was as perfect as ..I don't know, whats the most perfect thing?.. I thought our relationship would be like theirs because I had Aqib to put sense in my head even if I got hot headed and reckless. He said "taali dau haathon se bajti hai, maybe he is holding a grudge and she has to talk and communicate with him. Love can be reborn, aisa kar keh aur keh k dil jeet le us ka"...... I remember smiling the whole time because I thought I had a keeper.

I bowed.

I don't know.... I bowed. What happened?.. 

I got called uncivilized. I didn't call him one name, throw in one curse word, or any hint of sarcasm but I am the uncivilized one. Okay?

Low life. Because I made an unintentional mistake thinking his letters would reach him untouched. It was stupid of me to think a sealed envelope would reach the person its addressed to and no one else. I put my hands up soon as I realized and apologized and apologized but he obviously thinks its something I would do purposely to embarrass him. That's a pity. I am sorry this happened, I will forever be. I am more sorry he thinks I would intentionally want to dishonour or tarnish his image. 

Disappointment. Khudi ka ni patta. Khudi shaadi bhi kar lo, koi baat nai. Khudi chor k chale jao. Khudi disappear hojao jab koi baat serious ho.. woh disappointment nai hoti, lekin agar doosra person aik question kar le tau woh disappointment hoti hai; aur woh person uncivilised hota hai. Mujhe kehte hain doosron ki baat sunna for a change acha hota hai, lekin khudi meri saari baat ignore kar di.......... Bas aik baat yaad hai, my irritational and reckless decision to leave his letters......... When he got married on me, that wasn't reckless.............. 

Love makes fool of all of us..

I am impatient because I told Maa about him to stop her bothering me about people coming to see me. He wants me to feel guilty about that. I am sorry, I won't. I would rather she knew I had someone, then get married to somebody else like he did under pressure. I thought he'd understand my position......... I really did. No but its my fault, his dad didn't agree.. I am sorry.

He says he's trying to protect my reputation but had no problem in humiliating me himself....

I am sorry but that's so not my Aqib...

My Aqib was pretty. 

My Aqib was his nephews "chachu ji"

He liked Rice Krispies. 

My Aqib had an infectious laugh that could brighten up your life

He also told the best jokes

He liked cooking and sharing recipes

I first made firni because he liked it

My Aqib was so pretty, he had hand sanitizers everywhere. 
He watched anime. And liked Halle Berry.

My Aqib was dreamy.

He wrote poems for me. 

And woke me up by leaving me cute little voice clips as he drove home. 

My Aqib sang me love songs

He kept me up all night whispering sweet nothings in my ear. 

My Aqib told me jinn stories to wind me up and then comforted me by giving me references from the Quran. 

My Aqib was insightful and worldly and geeky and a work dork

His smarts made me weak at the knees

My Aqib was a true gentleman who called me his jaan and his pari............ 

My Aqib knew better than to imply I was a manipulative psycho bitch..