More than half way through already, I mean, where is the time going? ..I feel like the build up to Ramzan always starts months in advance and then when its here, it just flies by. Sure the days are long, but I can't help feel like its not enough time to really make the most of it? Like my prayers are falling short, like I'm just not there yet? ..... Working 12 days in a row probably doesn't help, what with the day half gone in the lab >_> ..Anyway, the second ashra is one of forgiveness so I'm hoping and praying Allah miyan forgives me for not trying as hard as I probably could have, had I planned this month more carefully. Hey, 12 more days though, I'm going to make it up and catch up on my Quran reading too. InshAllah.
Also I just heard Amjad Sabri got gunned down on his way home. What a sad sad world we live where there's no value for human life. His last kalam is being played all over TV channels....... I read this story once about the time Propher Abraheem (as) asked Malak-al-Maut on what he does if there are two people on opposite ends of the world about to die at the same time, or if there is a plague of some sort where lots of people are about to die relatively close together ..and He answered there's a tree of life carrying the names of all those who are born and those to die and when a leaf shrivels up and starts wilting, that's how he knows who is about to die and the event happens 40 days in advance. It's just, the choice of the naat Amjab Sabri selected to recite not knowing it was going to be his last one, and the irony, makes me think maybe subconsciously you know?
I remember Papa..strongest most bravest, larger than life person I ever did know and.. I remember him asking me a couple days before he passed away if I had any hope he'd survive. It's the last thing we spoke about. I remember he had his oxygen mask on, his breathing was so so restrained and he couldn't talk very well so he spelled "hope" for me figuring I was struggling to make out what he was saying and trying not to get upset in front of him. Maybe he knew? ..and if that's how it is, then I am not okay with him dying on me like this, with that being our last conversation.. I am not okay..
I know he's doing good up there, and I am not just saying that because I am his daughter and I am biased.... I just know he is. I wish sometimes you know, if things could be different. If he could be here still? He wouldn't even need to say anything or do anything.. just be here. I miss his presence. My eyes miss seeing him.. and yet four years on, I still can't bring myself to look at his pictures or pictures of us together without tearing up. I miss our Ramzan as a family, that we'll never be again. Maa says when we get married, we'll have our own families and maybe we can carry on the tradition with our own kids.. but wouldn't that just reiterate the absence of the person with whom you associate the feeling with in the first place? I don't know... I guess for now, I can only pray...
O Allah! Forgive our living and our dead, those who are with us and those who are absent, our young and our old, our men and our women. O Allah! Whomever you keep alive from us keep him alive on Islam, and whomever you take away from us, take him as a believer. O Allah! Do not leave us bereft of his good and do not send us astray after them.
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