..In a very..jaded-esque mood right now...Tabassum messaged saying something about bla bla bla...Patta nahi larkon ko konsi bechaini laggi wi hai..I am really not one for chichoron jaisi harkatein, dil karta hai zor se thappar marun but y'know I'd rather not make any contact.. Good thing Im not there heh?..Over active freakin' testosterones...... Patta hai aur kiya annoy karta hai mujhe?..I have been faithful. Throughout. Yet I've appologised and appologised and twisted my nerve cells so that I could take on the blame for things that were not of my doing. Everytime. Kyun?..Je ne suis pas guilty. Whatever the french for guilty is. Coupable. I don't have a history. I don't flirt. I am a good girl.. Only..Je ne me sens propre. Ab main kiya karun?...huh?... Kabhi kabhi I almost want to pack my rucksack and leave..but I'd probably be held at immigration y'know..since Je n'ai pas un visa.. Technicalities get in the way of impulsivity.
It bothers me. Having been that close..now there are other people closer to you than me. It bothers me more than slightly. This agony you put me through, playing with my darkest fears and insecurities. Leaving me. You don't even realise how you control me, precious. How would you know...what being insane feels like, what it's like being dismissed, sweetheart. You don't see that, you never do and you never will. Koi baat nahi, jaan... 'tis probably my shortcoming too. I am just saying, don't take any of this too seriously..I am only venting. Sometimes.........I find myself looking through your pictures and the various voiceclips I have, the little snippets of conversations..reliving the moments we've spent together. You mean the world to me, I thought I should slip this in somewhere. Always and forever. Only you, baby.
....I feel like my modesty is plummeting down the drain each second......so........ I've kneeled. And I am sorry...Isn't that were you were expecting, love? ....Like I said, koi baat nahi jaan..I'll be fine, broken and a mess.
I am going to stop talking now......... not that you'll ever know of this..or all the words, unspoken. Not that you would want to, anyway..
I wish I could see you smile..up close..for once....and I wish I could...-sigh-........koi baat nai, jaan.*Headache*
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